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abuse, book, child abuse, children, domestic abuse, Dreampsinner Press, ebook, florida, forgiveness, gay romance, girl power, growing up, kids, Lakeland, m/m romance, parenting, Polk County
Spoiler Alert: You Don’t Have To.
I’ve spent my entire life being told I should forgive and forget that I was so severely injured as a child that I’m still experiencing pain today. That my injuries weren’t properly treated when they happened for fear of a (deserved) arrest or worse puts it over the top.
I am a child of abuse. I am a victim of abuse. I am a survivor of abuse. I did nothing wrong; I am not ashamed of having been abused. I was a child. I couldn’t fight back. Even if I tried, I’d be hurt more. Basic survival instinct no two year old should ever have to know, right?
I’ve heard excuse after excuse from various people “justifying” his actions–he was in a bad place. His job was too stressful. He came from abuse himself.
I was conditioned to believe that until I had my own children. If a person can look at a tiny baby and think that it’s okay to beat her so severely she can’t walk properly for the rest of her life, then that person shouldn’t be legally around kids. I don’t care what kind of stress you’re under. NOTHING justifies that.
So, when my hips–the ones previously dislocated so harshly that I not only have problems with one leg being longer than the other, I also developed scoliosis–starting acting up yesterday at the fair and I had to leave early because walking was getting tough, all the feelings came back up.
This isn’t the first time those old injuries have come back to haunt me. I had to leave my career in professional sports because the pain after a long day would be so great I couldn’t even get out of my car when I got home.
Why should I forgive that? He hasn’t stepped up to pay for my medical costs. He did everything to prevent me getting treatment. Meanwhile, he’s living with his 4th wife, who’s loaded, and spending his days sitting around on his ass criticizing my every life choice like he somehow has the moral high ground.
So, guess what? After 30 years I’m done. I’m not going to listen to every well-meaning person who comes along and tries to tell me it’s better to forgive and forget. I’m not going to take the advice of someone who has never been through what I’ve been through. I’m not going to forgive. I’m not allowed to forget thanks to my injuries. Why should I be forced to forgive?
And why in the hell are people telling me I shouldn’t cut him off? I get to decide what’s best for ME. I know what he’s done to me. My kids aren’t going to be any worse not knowing him. He is a miserable old man who only cares about himself and his problems. Even a birthday text from him is overshadowed by his complaints about his health and his mother and whatever else sucks in his life right now. Why should I have that negativity in my life and in my children’s lives?
My husband doesn’t understand. He can’t understand, I think. He tries, but he had a great dad. If he did something wrong, like refuse to eat his dinner, he probably got a stern talking-to or something take away. If I refused, I was forced to sit at the table until it was all gone, sometimes for hours. At 4. Then if it got too late, I got the belt.
Or worse.
Usually worse. Mostly worse. I remember passing out once when a friend lightly touched me on the back one day in school. I was bruised, flayed, and bloody in some places.
Also, thanks, Polk County School System, for doing your job and calling DCF and helping me get out of a bad situation. Oh, wait. You didn’t. Fuck you.
So, dad, if you’re reading this, I’m done with you. Don’t call me. Don’t text me. Don’t email me. Don’t try to talk to my kids. You yelled at my son once, and that’s the one chance you got. I don’t care that you’re pissed off at my life choices. You don’t have a damn bit of say in what I do. I am an adult and you are not going to ruin this part of my life like you did my childhood. I don’t forgive you. I won’t forgive you. I don’t have to forgive you. I can’t forget what you did because I live with it every day. I hope you’re happy that you physically broke a person for her whole life. You’ve left your mark in this world. This is your legacy. Not having a child or making a difference in the world. Breaking me is your legacy. I hope you enjoy it.
I may be in pain. I may be a horrible person. But I’m going to be happy.
By the way, see this book down here? You’re the bad guy. You. Congratulations. There’s another legacy for you. You’re a bona fide villain in a published book.
Piper Doone is the author of the highly rated gay erotic romance, Playing Hard To Forget, available from Amazon and Dreamspinner Press and your favorite ebook retailer in paperback and ebook, and the upcoming Something To Die For, releasing March 2015.
We Have A Piper Doone 
Hugs, hon, and no, you DON’T have to forgive and forget! Congratulations for living life on your terms, not anyone else’s.
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Thanks. I just hope that someone younger than I am now will read this and realize that they don’t have to keep a parent in their life out of some unearned obligation. I don’t owe him ANYTHING.
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Where was the rest of your family during your abuse, mom, grandma, etc… You mention the school system failed you but didn’t you have any other family who could have helped?
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My mother was part of the problem. She had mental issues of her own and I frequently took on the role of adult, even in elementary school. She was not faultless. I did eventually run away to my grandparents’ house when I was a teenager, but the damage was already done–both mental and physical. Everyone failed me. I can’t change that. But I can watch out for signs that other children are being abused and try to get them the help they need. And I can tell my story and let kids who may be in the same situation know that there is hope and they don’t have to continue the cycle.
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I have known you and your mother since you were about 5 or so. I had no idea that you had been physically abused by your father, and for that, I am sorry you had to go through and live with that. I do know that your mother was also abused, physically and mentally, more that you will ever know and even more than I know. She could not even protect herself, but she did finally get both of you away from him. I don’t remember you “running away” to your grandparents. Your mom left you with your grandparents. Yes she had mental issues, some stemming from her childhood, as well as, health related problems, but I don’t believe she ever abused you she in fact protected you the best she could. It has taken her many years to work out a lot of those issues. However, I do remember you ripping her heart out without any explanation or even so much as a GFY. Now that I have grandchildren of my own, a four-year old girl and a one and a half-year old boy, I can relate to how she must have felt, having a bond with them until they were a little older than mine now and then having them ripped away suddenly and without explanation and having no real relationship with them and they are nearly teenagers now. I also remember helping her get her house ready for you to come stay with her when you needed a place to go and the disgusting and disrespectful state in which you left that same house. I am thankful that I have a son who would never treat me in such a cruel way, ever.
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You know what, Linda? My mom and I are working on our issues. I have apologized for the mess that happened in 2009 and we tried our best but we couldn’t even afford food, much less anything else. We were broke thanks to the recession and the house was being foreclosed anyway in 30 days. We even tried to make repairs but the roof was leaking, the AC was leaking, the bathroom was falling apart and there were numerous other problems we tried to fix on our own. I won’t make excuses for anything, though, because it was a mess from start to finish and a bad decision on my part made out of desperation. I have done my best to apologize and if it isn’t good enough, then there is nothing I can do. We had to visit a food pantry to eat. We had nothing. I’ll take responsibility for all of that and how it went down. It was one of the lowest points of my life. We lost everything…and we had lost everything before in the storms. This was a double blow and I fully admit that I did not know how to handle anything that happened that year.
I will address the time when I was a teenager because you have no idea what it was like. She was bringing some unsavory men into the house. You know this because you knew them. You also know that some of them were criminals and some of them were perverts. Yes. Perverts. One of them pulled me aside and made vague asides about me not being in the picture anymore. I thought he was going to kill me. One of them made a pass at me when I was under aged. I was told I was in the way and maybe it was better if I wasn’t around. I was insulted and called names. I never told her any of this. One of them broke into the house and may have done something to my mom while she was passed out on migraine meds. She herself told me this. Several were on drugs and drunks. Something my mom didn’t need to be around. Because you know what? I KNOW my mom was on them, too. And so do you. I don’t care if she toked out or whatever when she had a migraine, but I know there were pills she didn’t want the cops to see. I saw her flush them after the neighbors called the cops when she and dad were fighting so loudly that everyone could hear.
She actually went back to dad once when I was around nine. The abuse started again, and quickly. Mom “left” me with my grandparents a few times, but I also willingly moved out as a teenager when those men started coming around again. I was scared of them. For good reason. You, again, have no idea what it was like. It broke my heart to see her take up with men like that.
You have no idea what I went through. I was depressed and anxious and I couldn’t eat without getting sick. Or I ate too much. I had nightmares I would wake up screaming from. I still can’t walk properly. I have a shit ton of health problems thanks to my injuries. I have few coping skills to deal with shit. I am still terrified of my father. I went through severe episodes any time my mother was sick. Do you think I didn’t notice that she was sick? I could barely function when anything happened to her. I had panic attacks any time I had to call 911 for anything. Do you think I’m heartless? I love my mom and I have forgiven her things that happened when I was a kid. I’m sure I wasn’t the easiest child, but when you’re GETTING THE SHIT KICKED OUT YOU, watching your parents go at it like they are trying to kill each other on a CONSTANT BASIS, getting locked in a closet because your father is on another rage and your mother is telling you it’s the safest place for you and her, watching your mother go to a mental hospital and spending the entire time not able to eat or sleep because you’re worried about her, watching your mother LEAVE YOU to go to Colorado with the man who caused all the problems in the first place and begging her not to go, I’m sure I was allowed some problems.
I don’t even care what the reasoning was for some of it. I was a CHILD. I wasn’t going to be thinking like an adult. I was scared for my life. Scared for my mom. Anxious because she left me and I didn’t know what dad would do to her if I WASN’T THERE TO PROTECT HER. Do you have ANY IDEA what it’s like to live your life thinking it’s your job to get between two adults who are fighting like that and protect your mom? I’m sure I wouldn’t have half the injuries I do if I weren’t thinking like that.
I WAS FUCKED UP, LINDA. All I ever wanted was to get my mom away from dad and everyone else who came after. I don’t care if it wasn’t my responsibility. I brushed her hair when she was sick and helped her get to and from the bathroom and got her to the hospital and I lived every moment thinking she was going to die because I was a KID and didn’t know anything other than my MOM WAS SICK and dad was hurting us. I KNOW she was abused. I SAW IT. I HEARD IT.
But don’t think for a minute that I didn’t notice her flushing pills when the cops were on their way after another fight. She had NO coping skills and therefore I came out of this with no coping skills. I don’t blame my mother for her problems. I know what dad did to her and how it affected her. But I’m expected to be this robot who could come out of all of that and be okay and I’m not. I’m expected to move on and have all this shit figured out on how to conduct my life when I was constantly thrown around, moved around, in the middle of all that shit, trying to stop the fights, living in the neighborhood we lived in with the criminals, the guns, the drugs, oh, and the child molester who tried something on me one day. Yeah, he lived across the street and was touching little girls like me. I didn’t know it until my friend, who was one of those girls, took me over there under false pretenses. I never told her that, either. I remember thinking there were enough problems and I would just stay away from him.
You don’t know the half of what I went through as a kid and I don’t even know that mom knows half of what I went through. It’s over now, though, and all I can do is try to move on and figure out what I want to bring with me or forget from that time. My mom and I have gone round and round over shit from the past and if she’s still holding on to that, it would be hypocritical of me to begrudge her that. All I can do is apologize. We don’t get along when we spend too much time together and that is a fact. I can’t deny that and she probably can’t either.
I try to see her much more than I was in the past, but things started going to shit after the hurricanes and it’s just in the past year that things have started to improve. I’m glad you and Toby have a perfect relationship. I am obviously not the perfect daughter she wanted and I’m sure that she envies what you have with him. But I had a lot to come to terms with regarding things that happened when I was a child. I’m not perfect. I’m not even good. You think I’m shit and maybe I am. Mom probably thinks I am, too. In fact, I’m sure she found this through you and knows you wrote this and didn’t object, so I’m sure she thinks I’m shit.
But the fact remains that I was raised in a household of fear and hatred and abuse. I don’t have ONE good memory of my parents together. I remember my mother and I bonding over the fear of my father. I remember my mom trying the best she could and I will always be grateful, but let’s face the facts here. She was physically and mentally not ok and there was only so much she could do. I can’t speak to what happened between them because I was not part of their relationship. I only know what I went through.
I have battled depression and anxiety and panic disorder and physical pain my entire life. I have come to terms in the past few years that she did her best despite everything she had going against her. I have apologized for 2009 as best I can. I’m sure it will never be enough. If she wanted to cut me out of her life and only see the grandkids I would not stop that. I would not extend that courtesy to my father.
I am not going to apologize for my side of the story. I am angry every time I can’t walk properly. I was a child. I should not have gone through that. I’m angry with everyone around me then for not standing up and making sure I didn’t have to live through that. Yes. Even my grandparents. Anyone–ANYONE–could have seen I was not ok. I had nervous tics. I had high blood pressure and constant nose bleeds. I pulled out my own hair. I even cut myself a few times. I overreacted to the smallest things. My grades were shit. I couldn’t concentrate on anything in school. These are not signs of a healthy child and, yes, I was failed. I was not old enough to get the help I needed. I needed just as much psychiatric help as my mother did. More, probably.
I’m sure I will get shit for this. Whatever. I’m trying to make amends for the shit I did as an adult. I’m not blameless for anything I did wrong and I take responsibility for it. But you come in here and talk about cruelty when I’ve lived through the very definition of cruelty and then you expect me to be this perfect person?
I AM NOT PERFECT. I am still trying to figure shit out every day. I am trying to make amends for 2009. I am trying to have a better relationship with her. I am trying to move past all the shit that happened when I was a kid. I am trying to be a better person, just like mom is trying to be a better person. I am doing it the best way I know how. I had to figure out a lot on my own.
I am not going to apologize FOR THE WAY I FEEL. I am not going to keep it a secret, either. My mom loved me and I love my mom, but I needed stability and safety. Regardless of how she tried, it wasn’t in the cards all the time. We moved a lot. She brought a lot of men into the house. She was sick a lot. She felt she needed to go with dad to Colorado when I needed my mom. I needed more protection than maybe she could physically give me, but that doesn’t discount the fact that I NEEDED MORE PROTECTION. I WAS A FUCKING KID. I felt less important than her boyfriends. Maybe it wasn’t true, but there you go. Maybe I was too fucked up to really get what was going on in her life at the time.
So, whatever, you think I’m cruel. Mom thinks I’m cruel. Maybe I am. I’m sure she’s pissed off and I’m sure this will set our progress back, but I can’t move on without getting my side heard. I’ve been trying to deal with those problems for years and it’s only now that I realize that I can either confront them or tell them to fuck off. If she has an issue with my feelings, she can call me. I didn’t give the same option to my father. If she can’t forgive me for 2009, then there is nothing more to say.
I’m sure she will ask if I ever had any good times as a kid, and I did, a lot of them. Most of them with her. I love my mom even though she is not perfect and I apparently am the worst daughter ever. But there were a lot of bad times and they unfortunately made an impression on who I was for a long time, too.
And I can’t believe that you would acknowledge that she had problems and issues and then turn around and expect me to have come out of all that unscathed, too, and capable of making the right decisions every time when faced with horrible setbacks and disasters. Seems unfair to me to hold me to a higher standard and yet give her a pass. I had no choice in the matter as a child. I had to live with whatever was thrown at me. But I’m not allowed to have issues and shit, right? I’m not allowed to fuck up as an adult sometimes, right?
I’ve said my peace, Linda. I’m sure this will make its way back to my mom. Bottom line is that, yes, I know she tried. I know she tried hard. But I still had to live through a lot of shit. I don’t blame her for her illnesses or mental problems. I’m not sure I can blame her for medicating herself for those problems. I have come to terms with a lot of stuff from my childhood and I work ever day to overcome those issues. I fucked up in 2009. I fucked up hard. It’s up to her and not you whether or not she wants to forgive me for that. Be sure to include that when you go running to her with all of this. It’s only fair she gets the whole story if you’re going to bring all this up.
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First, I don’t think your shit. I know your mom does not think you were a bad daughter, and she loves you very much. I only found your blog because she was so very proud of you and showing me your book and gushing about what a good writer you are, and I agree, you are a very good writer and she has every right to be proud of you.
What happened to you as a child was horrible and no way are you at fault for any of it and no, I didn’t expect you to come out of it unscathed or mentally unaffected by all you had to deal with.
My only point was that she was head over heels for your children and had created a fairly close bond with them and saw them on a regular basis for 5 years and I did not understand why you would suddenly WITH NO EXPLANATION deny her a relationship with her grandchildren for so many years (6? OR 7?) . I am not saying that you are cruel and heartless, but that your action at that time was cruel and heartless. Not only to her but also to your children. Now don’t go off on me thinking I am saying you are a bad mother, I am not. From everything I have heard and know of, I think you are a very good mother. I just think that your children missed out on a special relationship they could have had with their grandmother, as grandparent/grandchildren relationships can be enriching and special for both parties.
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I never denied her a relationship. I did, however, go through some severe issues in my 20s that nearly ruined everything I had. Things that stemmed from childhood and the hurricanes and a lot of other things I won’t go into. You don’t have the full story. There’s no point rehashing it because it’s old news, but I had my reasons and whether they were sound or sane or what, I did what I had to do to get healthy.
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Open reply to my daughter:
While I would have preferred having my “dirty laundry” aired in a less public forum, I would never, and will never, blame you for feeling the way you do. We both know I made horrible mistakes, and I do not and will not ever begrudge you for feeling betrayed, unprotected and angry as a child. You and I both have scars from our time with your father, and the many, many years that followed.
I agree there are many things we both didn’t know were going on, when you were a child as well as an adult. My only hope is that you never doubt my love for you, my undying dedication to you, and know that nothing, and I do mean NOTHING can ever break our bond. One day, when if you want to, or feel ready to, I hope we can both sit down, just us, and really talk about the things that hurt us. After reading your posts, I agree there obviously was a lot I wasn’t aware was going on, and for that, I am sorry. I also think, that some of the situations you describe have details you were also not aware of, and it may help as an adult to know what was really going on. I tried to keep a lot from you, and obviously did a piss-poor job of it, and maybe those details could help, it’s up to you if you want to talk about them one day.
Make no mistake, I am not making excuses, you were innocent and didn’t deserve the things that happened, and for that I take responsibility for not protecting you more. You have EVERY right to your anger. My only hope is that you will not allow your anger to turn into bitterness like I did, wasting precious years. I wasn’t able to protect you as I should have, I knew that then and know it now. But that is also the reason I felt it critical to always be close to Mom and Dad, so that you might have some consistency in your young life. You know Mom and I had problems, problems that weren’t fully resolved until shortly before she died, but I made sure to always keep them both in your life, because I knew they loved you as much as I did and I didn’t trust myself.
I don’t want you to EVER think I feel you are not incredibly smart, extremely talented, and an awesome daughter and mother. You and I have both said we have regrets and are sorry for the hurts we’ve caused, and I think that it we have made great progress and don’t want to see that end. It doesn’t really matter why we did things, only that we can forgive each other. Forgiveness is the greatest gift of loving each other. Our past does not define who we are, it is simply the path that brought us here to the place we are today. I love you, I support you in all that you want to do, and need to do, and I will be here standing by your side, being your biggest cheerleader until the day I die. You have always been, and always will be, the reason I smile, the light of my world, and NOTHING will ever change that. We are family, you and I are working on our relationship and are OK and one day hope to be friends as adults.
Your Mom.
p.s. I don’t mean to be “cheesy” but the Frozen song keeps popping in my head, so pretend I’m Elsa and you can hear me singing….”let it go, let it go”….I love you, bear.
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I said to you today and I’ll say it here for anyone who happens upon this in the future: I don’t want to know anything that I didn’t already know or suspect from that time because I think it would just serve to fuel more anger in me and that’s not healthy. I said before and I’ll also say it here under the guise of a certain anonymity to protect people, that all I want to know from that time is how many half siblings I have from dad’s inability to keep it in his pants. I think some truth from him might serve everyone well, but I know he will continue to deny everything that doesn’t make him look like he was a saint.
I’m not going to rehash this any longer because there’s no point. My anger is directed at dad, as it always has been. I have disappointment and I had anger in the past directed at other people, but waking up in the mornings and going to bed at night in pain many, many days andthe anxiety and panic attacks make it impossible to forget, so forgiveness is just not in the cards for me right now. It’s like he can still control me after all these years because he caused that pain. Maybe my feelings will fade over time I figure out how to make the pain go away. I don’t know. But he has a lot of truthin’ to do. I owe him nothing.
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