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This is my space and I will use it as I see fit. I have a (possibly irrational) hatred for jewelry commercials. Kay, Jared, you can both kiss my ass.

I hate the women in them with their smug, entitled attitudes. I hate the men in them acting like they know of no other way to show their womens they love them than to buy them whatever is in the commercial. I hate the salespeople with their superiority complexes thinking their “helpful hints” to get people to buy whatever the commission is the highest on that month is going to change lives.

If I see another god damned diamonds that move in their settings, that open hearts shit, or fucking Le Vian chocolate diamonds bullshit commercial I will probably shit diamonds thanks to the meteoric rise in my blood pressure when I see Madison Ave trying to get women to believe that any one of those items will be considered a classic piece that can be worn for more than 6 months.

First off, chocolate diamonds are FLAWED DIAMONDS. You are literally paying for bottom of the barrel diamonds. So your smug face at the questionably real Le Vian museum needs to find some chill. They are low quality diamonds. Why pay that much for a TREND made up BY THE LE VIAN PEOPLE?!!

A few years from now most of this shit will be passé, so stop trying to make them into classic pieces, Jared.

And let’s not gloss over the fact that a 1.5 karat white gold diamonds in rhythm is nearly 7 grand. You know what isn’t 7 huge ones? Cubic zirconium! It’s amazing shit! And no one had to die for it so you could pay Kay the price of a used Chevy Malibu. And, really, no one knows the difference if it’s made well. Or even cares!

YOUR LOVE IS NOT JUDGED BY HOW MUCH YOUR JEWELRY WAS.

I can’t STAND the constant barrage of commercials this time of year. I mean, if the jewelry stores are really marketing to the person who buys the jewelry and hoping they are clueless enough to take whatever they are being offered on tv, if they are successful, there are going to be thousands of women GETTING THE SAME EXACT PIECE OF JEWELRY ON SATURDAY.

Do you want the same exact Open Hearts necklace as everyone else in your mommy group?

And the ONLY attempt at some sort of individuality, those Pandora bracelets, are also obnoxiously advertised and kind of ugly. They look cheap and busy to me. Or maybe they are just not for me. I’m pretty sure amongst the branded Frozen charms and 14k boxing gloves (currently sitting at a mere $734.99 for the ONE charm), they aren’t hiding anything that resembles anything I’m remotely interested in.

If you really want to buy someone jewelry, how hard is it to find something more individual than whatever is sitting on Kay Jewelers or other mass market jewelry retailers’ shelves in mass market volume?

What about all that vintage jewelry that needs a good home? Any good antique shop has vintage brands that were designing well made (not costume pieces) and classic pieces in the middle of the last century and are just dying for a new finger or wrist or neck to adorn. And no one else will be wearing it. And you’ll pay less for it, too.

My own engagement ring (an amazing and simple solitaire my husband got from a vintage store because he knows what’s up and knew my taste even back then) needs a repair–I had an oopsie with a tractor on the farm and I bent it–and I don’t trust anyone down here so I am waiting until I go to my hometown to get it repaired there. In the meantime I am wearing my grandmother’s rose gold/diamond art deco engagement ring and I love it. It’s simple but classic.

And no chocolate diamonds. No moving parts. No celebrity branded designs. No red hot love beads in sight.

Piper Doone is the author of the highly rated gay erotic romance, Playing Hard To Forget, available from Amazon and Dreamspinner Press and your favorite ebook retailer in paperback and ebook, and the upcoming Something To Die For, releasing March 2015.

She’s allergic to most metals, and that may be fuelling her irrational hate a bit.

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