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Sometimes I like to annoy myself by trying to find the most obnoxious, self-absorbed, narcissistic tag on Instagram. Why? Fuck if I know. I just do.

I thought it was #takemeback, with scores of freeloading aimless twentysomethings whose glory days apparently happened on their trip to Mallorca two years ago and it’s all they can think about now and spend their Instagram #tbt begging for someone (mom and dad) to send them back to a time they can’t remember because they were too drunk. Like, take yourself back. You’re 23. You graduated from college. You’re a real grown up now. Put on your big girl pants and pay for it yourself.

But, no. The winner of this dubious honor goes to #pushpresent.

If you’re wondering what the tit a push present is, thank your gods that you aren’t an asshole. Or, maybe you’re just a different kind of asshole; one that doesn’t know what a fucking push present is. It’s okay to be an asshole. I’m an asshole, too. But at least I’m not an asshole who demands a present for everything I do.

A push present is a gift that a woman’s partner (usually the father of the baby or whoever is assuming the role or whoever isn’t birthing the baby in the relationship) gets for the mother.

Like a baby isn’t enough.

If someone gets you a present out of the kindness of their heart, that’s one thing.

If you demand a present in any situation, you are an asshole.

If you dictate what kind of present you want, you are a fucking asshole.

If you annoy the fuck out of your partner about getting you a fucking push present and then you brag about it on Instagram by taking a shitty iPhone pic of your new Louis Vuitton Neverfull bag, complete with the shopping bag it came in and receipt and tags and all the other shit like it’s an eBay listing and tag it #myhusbandisbetterthanyours you are the worst kind of asshole and I hope your kid takes a massive shit inside your #pushpresent.

Feel free to also kick yourself in the vagina at any time because that’s what you truly deserve.

By the way, I know millions of women who would fight you on that husband tag. Including me.

And if you sit around and demand material shit all the time on a public forum like Instagram because your greedy, materialistic brain equates that new BMW with love, I’m positive your husband isn’t reciprocating the thought.

Now jewelry stores are offering to drop hints to dads-to-be that mom-to-be really wants a 9 karat diamond ring in anticipation of the big day. And parenting websites are telling women they deserve gifts and to start dropping hints. And any sweet gesture your partner was thinking of making before you so rudely had Jared, The Galleria of Jewelry intervene on your behalf is now an obligation because you’re demanding he or she make one. Way to take the thoughtfulness out of gifting.

Ladies, I get it. You like being spoiled. I like being spoiled sometimes, too. It’s human. But, if you can’t do what women have done for thousands of years without expecting a Hermès bag for it, please follow up your pussy punch with one to the face.

And a final thought… Someone thought it would be an amazing idea to have Donal Logue back on Law and Order: SVU and not only have him bring back that sort of not right Irish accent that still somehow works, but also an earring and a penchant for pistol whipping Carisi.

I applaud whoever thought this was a great idea.

No, really. Four for you, Glenn Coco. And four for my ladywood because even with the slightly questionable accent, I would chung-chung him all up and down Manhattan.

Once again, Donal, if you google yourself and find this, my bad. You’re hot. I know what I’m talking about. I’m a romance novelist.

Piper Doone is the author of the highly rated gay erotic romance, Playing Hard To Forget, available from Amazon and Dreamspinner Press and your favorite ebook retailer in paperback and ebook, and the upcoming Something To Die For, releasing March 2015 and available for pre-order now.

She’s pushed out two gigantic kids and didn’t demand anything beyond a cheeseburger, but if someone wanted to make Grounded For Life available on Netflix, that would be cool.

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