Saturday Salute

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Today I picked up the prize of any music collector’s collection:

The Lost Boys Soundtrack.

It was a dollar.

You can have your Coreys, your Kiefer, your Bill S. Preston, Esquire before he was Bill S. Preston, Esquire. You can have Jason Patric and his total hotness and not just in an 80s way.

(riiiiiight?)

You can even have Jamie Gertz back before “I GOTTA GO, JULIA…WE GOT COWS.”

I know who the real star of this cinematic Tour de Force is:

That’s right. Oily, Barrel Chested Sax Guy.

That hair. Those chains. That slick sheen of baby oil. The fire. The sax. Them hips that probably paved the way for Josh Homme of Queens of the Stone Age.

(let me believe)

Oily, barrel chested sax guy? You’re the damn best.

I haven’t been so upset by someone getting robbed of all the awards since Posh Spice was robbed of the Oscar for Spice World (THIS DRESS IS DRY CLEAN ONLY, MELANIE). He needed a Grammy, an Oscar, a Tony, an Emmy, a Golden Globe, A Nobel prize, and Student of the Month at Santa Carla Elementary for his scene.

It’s been nearly 30 years since Sexy Oily Barrel Chested Sax Guy and his friends graced our screens to make a little movie about vampires and, more unbelievably, a little movie about Jason Patric crushing on Jamie Gertz when we all know he and Kiefer were the real deal, but Sexy Oily Barrel Chested Sax Guy, whose real name is Tim Cappello and he even played with Tina Turner and went on to be a composer for stuff, we still believe.

In you.

On a sadder note, today we are remembering a great man and a gifted artist and actor, Leonard Nimoy. No saracasm. No jokes. No bitching and moaning. He will be missed. LLAP.

Piper Doone is the author of the highly rated gay erotic romance, Playing Hard To Forget, available from Amazon and Dreamspinner Press and your favorite ebook retailer in paperback and ebook, and the upcoming Something To Die For, releasing March 2015 and available for pre-order now.

She thinks the only thing that would make The Lost Boys better (besides forgetting the sequel ever happened) would be to remake it with her playing Star and Donal Logue playing Michael.  But oily, barrel chested sax guy Tim Cappello has to be down to reprise his role or no dice.

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On the Subject of The Most Obnoxious Tag on Instagram

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Sometimes I like to annoy myself by trying to find the most obnoxious, self-absorbed, narcissistic tag on Instagram. Why? Fuck if I know. I just do.

I thought it was #takemeback, with scores of freeloading aimless twentysomethings whose glory days apparently happened on their trip to Mallorca two years ago and it’s all they can think about now and spend their Instagram #tbt begging for someone (mom and dad) to send them back to a time they can’t remember because they were too drunk. Like, take yourself back. You’re 23. You graduated from college. You’re a real grown up now. Put on your big girl pants and pay for it yourself.

But, no. The winner of this dubious honor goes to #pushpresent.

If you’re wondering what the tit a push present is, thank your gods that you aren’t an asshole. Or, maybe you’re just a different kind of asshole; one that doesn’t know what a fucking push present is. It’s okay to be an asshole. I’m an asshole, too. But at least I’m not an asshole who demands a present for everything I do.

A push present is a gift that a woman’s partner (usually the father of the baby or whoever is assuming the role or whoever isn’t birthing the baby in the relationship) gets for the mother.

Like a baby isn’t enough.

If someone gets you a present out of the kindness of their heart, that’s one thing.

If you demand a present in any situation, you are an asshole.

If you dictate what kind of present you want, you are a fucking asshole.

If you annoy the fuck out of your partner about getting you a fucking push present and then you brag about it on Instagram by taking a shitty iPhone pic of your new Louis Vuitton Neverfull bag, complete with the shopping bag it came in and receipt and tags and all the other shit like it’s an eBay listing and tag it #myhusbandisbetterthanyours you are the worst kind of asshole and I hope your kid takes a massive shit inside your #pushpresent.

Feel free to also kick yourself in the vagina at any time because that’s what you truly deserve.

By the way, I know millions of women who would fight you on that husband tag. Including me.

And if you sit around and demand material shit all the time on a public forum like Instagram because your greedy, materialistic brain equates that new BMW with love, I’m positive your husband isn’t reciprocating the thought.

Now jewelry stores are offering to drop hints to dads-to-be that mom-to-be really wants a 9 karat diamond ring in anticipation of the big day. And parenting websites are telling women they deserve gifts and to start dropping hints. And any sweet gesture your partner was thinking of making before you so rudely had Jared, The Galleria of Jewelry intervene on your behalf is now an obligation because you’re demanding he or she make one. Way to take the thoughtfulness out of gifting.

Ladies, I get it. You like being spoiled. I like being spoiled sometimes, too. It’s human. But, if you can’t do what women have done for thousands of years without expecting a Hermès bag for it, please follow up your pussy punch with one to the face.

And a final thought… Someone thought it would be an amazing idea to have Donal Logue back on Law and Order: SVU and not only have him bring back that sort of not right Irish accent that still somehow works, but also an earring and a penchant for pistol whipping Carisi.

I applaud whoever thought this was a great idea.

No, really. Four for you, Glenn Coco. And four for my ladywood because even with the slightly questionable accent, I would chung-chung him all up and down Manhattan.

Once again, Donal, if you google yourself and find this, my bad. You’re hot. I know what I’m talking about. I’m a romance novelist.

Piper Doone is the author of the highly rated gay erotic romance, Playing Hard To Forget, available from Amazon and Dreamspinner Press and your favorite ebook retailer in paperback and ebook, and the upcoming Something To Die For, releasing March 2015 and available for pre-order now.

She’s pushed out two gigantic kids and didn’t demand anything beyond a cheeseburger, but if someone wanted to make Grounded For Life available on Netflix, that would be cool.

On the Subject of Shameless Promotion

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My new book, Something To Die For, is now available for pre-order on Dreamspinner Press’ website for only $2.99.

SomethingToDieFor_paintedsample_CGriffin

Josh Tucker lives a blessed life—great job, great family, perfect husband, and two wonderful children—but a mysterious man named Adam who haunts his dreams and soon his waking life threatens everything when he stirs doubt as to whether any of it is real. Adam makes Josh question the world he’s taken for granted—as well as the origins of Adam himself.

Even if Adam’s claims are true, Josh has nothing to live for beyond his fabricated life—except the possibility of a real man out there somewhere who can love him. Josh is left with an impossible choice: stay in his delusion where he’s assured some happiness or take a great leap of faith for a chance to make a life with Adam.

Buy it here

Okay, Piper’s Had Enough Now.

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So now my book is being pirated. Some shitstain tit has uploaded my book to some two bit pirate site and is selling it for money. MORE MONEY, mind you, than it is to buy on Amazon or Dreamspinner or anywhere else on the whole of the goddamned internet. You fucking moron, by the way. Do you have two brain cells to rub together?

Am I flattered that I have made it big enough to be pirated? FUCK NO. I want that asshole’s head in a box tied with a bow and dropped on my front door. I want the hosting site to burn at the stake.  I am not selling a million copies and can afford to take a pirate hit.

Happy President’s Day. Go fuck yourself with a flagpole.

Listen, I know times are tough for people. If you really want a copy of my book and have fallen on hard times or are a poor college student with .23 to last you until next Friday, tell me. I’ll get you a copy.

I can’t do it for everybody, but if you really want to read my book and you really can’t afford it, I will get you a copy. All I ask is that you give it an honest review on Amazon/Goodreads. Don’t go to a pirate site and screw everyone–including yourself (they steal credit card info and give you viruses). I know hard times and I respect people much more if they just come right out and say, “I’m broke as hell but I want to read your book” more than people who pirate it. Maybe you’ll buy a legit copy of my next book later on when you can.

Not one writer out there can afford to spend time monitoring the whole internet for these lowlifes. We should be writing.

Piper Doone is the author of the highly rated gay erotic romance, Playing Hard To Forget, available–LEGALLY–from Amazon and Dreamspinner Press and your favorite ebook retailer in paperback and ebook, and the upcoming Something To Die For, releasing March 2015.

While we’re at it, I’d like to take a moment to reveal the cover and blurb for my next book for Dreamspinner Press, releasing next month and available for pre-order soon.

Josh Tucker lives a blessed life—great job, great family, perfect husband, and two wonderful children—but a mysterious man named Adam who haunts his dreams and soon his waking life threatens everything when he stirs doubt as to whether any of it is real. Adam makes Josh question the world he’s taken for granted—as well as the origins of Adam himself.

Even if Adam’s claims are true, Josh has nothing to live for beyond his fabricated life—except the possibility of a real man out there somewhere who can love him. Josh is left with an impossible choice: stay in his delusion where he’s assured some happiness or take a great leap of faith for a chance to make a life with Adam.

SomethingToDieFor_paintedsample_CGriffin

The cover is by Cris Griffin and it’s gorgeous. I’ll be talking a lot more about it in the coming month and I have a lot of publicity stops on other blogs and Twitter.

Pirates need not apply.

Another Day, Another DMCA Takedown

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How hard is it to not steal someone else’s photo? In this case it was some blogger who thought my photo was hers for the taking.

I asked her nicely to credit me, knowing that as a blogger no one’s even heard of, she probably has 3 bucks to spare. My requests went ignored, so I had to pull the old DMCA Takedown card. It makes me look like the asshole, though, which is normally a label I wear with pride, but I’m NOT the asshole here.

9/10 of my stolen photos were taken with FILM. Shooting on film does not afford a photographer the luxury of screwing up. What you shoot is what you get. That’s extra time setting up the shot, getting the lighting just right, waiting for the perfect moment, and no takesie-backsies. Also it makes proving ownership a bitch because my exif or RAW data? Yeah, my data is THE NEGATIVE.

That particular shot took a LONG time to set up and shoot and I am proud of it. And it’s been stolen upwards of 30 times. Only ONE person has been human enough to credit me for it. She had taken it off wretched Pinterest, not knowing that it was stolen (the person who originally pinned it, downloaded it and pinned it as her photo) until I asked her to credit me instead and link back to MY site. I dinged the original thief on Pinterest and I have been chasing down the repins for a year. Despite having the image on my own Pinterest, credited properly to ME, every repin credits this shit sucking tit wanker in the Netherlands instead.

So, I continue to fight to get these assholes to stop using my photos.

I am not an amateur. I do not work for exposure.

I am a professional. I work for money.

This is how the real world works. Pirate my stuff and prepare to pay up several times what the photo is worth. I’m not nice. I’m not your friend. I don’t know you and you have done nothing to earn my respect or human decency. I protect my copyrights and I defend my copyrights. I am not lenient. I have no reason to be. You stole my stuff. You’re the bad guy. Every photo you steal is another photo I can’t sell. You’re diluting my brand and if I can’t make money off me, I’m going to make damn sure you can’t, either.

Piper Doone is the author of the highly rated gay erotic romance, Playing Hard To Forget, available from Amazon and Dreamspinner Press and your favorite ebook retailer in paperback and ebook, and the upcoming Something To Die For, releasing March 2015.

For a limited time, all Dreamspinner Press books are 25% off, so head on over there and pick up an ebook copy of Playing Hard To Forget for $5.24 to keep you warm this long weekend.

On the subject of seeing 6 valentine’s day jewelry commercials during every break

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This is my space and I will use it as I see fit. I have a (possibly irrational) hatred for jewelry commercials. Kay, Jared, you can both kiss my ass.

I hate the women in them with their smug, entitled attitudes. I hate the men in them acting like they know of no other way to show their womens they love them than to buy them whatever is in the commercial. I hate the salespeople with their superiority complexes thinking their “helpful hints” to get people to buy whatever the commission is the highest on that month is going to change lives.

If I see another god damned diamonds that move in their settings, that open hearts shit, or fucking Le Vian chocolate diamonds bullshit commercial I will probably shit diamonds thanks to the meteoric rise in my blood pressure when I see Madison Ave trying to get women to believe that any one of those items will be considered a classic piece that can be worn for more than 6 months.

First off, chocolate diamonds are FLAWED DIAMONDS. You are literally paying for bottom of the barrel diamonds. So your smug face at the questionably real Le Vian museum needs to find some chill. They are low quality diamonds. Why pay that much for a TREND made up BY THE LE VIAN PEOPLE?!!

A few years from now most of this shit will be passé, so stop trying to make them into classic pieces, Jared.

And let’s not gloss over the fact that a 1.5 karat white gold diamonds in rhythm is nearly 7 grand. You know what isn’t 7 huge ones? Cubic zirconium! It’s amazing shit! And no one had to die for it so you could pay Kay the price of a used Chevy Malibu. And, really, no one knows the difference if it’s made well. Or even cares!

YOUR LOVE IS NOT JUDGED BY HOW MUCH YOUR JEWELRY WAS.

I can’t STAND the constant barrage of commercials this time of year. I mean, if the jewelry stores are really marketing to the person who buys the jewelry and hoping they are clueless enough to take whatever they are being offered on tv, if they are successful, there are going to be thousands of women GETTING THE SAME EXACT PIECE OF JEWELRY ON SATURDAY.

Do you want the same exact Open Hearts necklace as everyone else in your mommy group?

And the ONLY attempt at some sort of individuality, those Pandora bracelets, are also obnoxiously advertised and kind of ugly. They look cheap and busy to me. Or maybe they are just not for me. I’m pretty sure amongst the branded Frozen charms and 14k boxing gloves (currently sitting at a mere $734.99 for the ONE charm), they aren’t hiding anything that resembles anything I’m remotely interested in.

If you really want to buy someone jewelry, how hard is it to find something more individual than whatever is sitting on Kay Jewelers or other mass market jewelry retailers’ shelves in mass market volume?

What about all that vintage jewelry that needs a good home? Any good antique shop has vintage brands that were designing well made (not costume pieces) and classic pieces in the middle of the last century and are just dying for a new finger or wrist or neck to adorn. And no one else will be wearing it. And you’ll pay less for it, too.

My own engagement ring (an amazing and simple solitaire my husband got from a vintage store because he knows what’s up and knew my taste even back then) needs a repair–I had an oopsie with a tractor on the farm and I bent it–and I don’t trust anyone down here so I am waiting until I go to my hometown to get it repaired there. In the meantime I am wearing my grandmother’s rose gold/diamond art deco engagement ring and I love it. It’s simple but classic.

And no chocolate diamonds. No moving parts. No celebrity branded designs. No red hot love beads in sight.

Piper Doone is the author of the highly rated gay erotic romance, Playing Hard To Forget, available from Amazon and Dreamspinner Press and your favorite ebook retailer in paperback and ebook, and the upcoming Something To Die For, releasing March 2015.

She’s allergic to most metals, and that may be fuelling her irrational hate a bit.

On the Subject of Saturdays

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There’s something magical about being at home in your jimjams watching Law and Order SVU reruns on a Saturday night because you woke up with a hangover after seeing Alton Brown’s FANTASTIC live show the night before.

It’s also the one year anniversary of when my husband and I saw Queens of the Stone Age live, so February is becoming the month I breathe the same air as personal heroes, I guess.

I’m celebrating Advil’s victory over my bangin’ headache by mainlining Trader Joe’s Gummi Bears and pretending I’m staying in a fancy hotel paying $12 for a bottle of Fiji water (it’s $2/1.5 liter at Trader Joe’s. Let’s not get ridiculous, certain unnamed hotels in Orlando).

I’m also listening to my daughter play Wham!’s (Wham’s!? The fuck do I put the apostrophe?) “Careless Whisper” on her flute, which is something I need to ask her about because I only know the song because my mother used to live her life according to VH1’s Sunday Brunch when I was a wee Piper, so, really, no one born after 1999 should have an intimate knowledge of Wham!’s back catalog.

This post, much like this entire day, has no point.

Behold my only achievements today:

1) Buying Karkwa’s Les Chemins de Verre because there is nothing more beautifully chaotic than Québécois French (if you don’t believe me, try looking at some of the mail we get on a daily basis with multiple misspellings of our Québécois last name–which, strangely enough is in a Karkwa song, spelled correctly of course). Seriously, though, I don’t care if you can’t speak any kind of French. Get their stuff.

2) It’s called “Tryinn’a blend cheap ass acrylics from Michael’s Arts and Crafts* because I’m too lazy to put on pants and get oils–OR–Joshua Tree Sunset”

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*You know what? Not gonna lie here. Those 50 cent bottles of paint are actually really fucking amazing, actually, if you accept the limitations of acrylic paint. I have spent many hours getting lost in about $10 worth of that stuff and a tiny 18/0 spotter brush getting some crazy details.

Piper Doone is the author of the highly rated gay erotic romance, Playing Hard To Forget, available from Amazon and Dreamspinner Press and your favorite ebook retailer in paperback and ebook, and the upcoming Something To Die For, releasing March 2015.

She’s never had an art lesson. And it shows.

On the Subject of Hedgehogs

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If you have kids, one day one of them is going to ask for a hedgehog because that’s what kids on Tumblr do.

If you get this hedgehog, chances are another kid will ask for his or her own hedgehog.

This is where you need to start getting comfortable with using the word “no.”

Hedgehogs are smelly. Hedgehogs are fantastic escape artists. And hedgehogs are horny. If you have a male and female, they will find a way to mate even if you house them in separate, warring countries.

Sooner or later, your two smelly hedgehogs will turn into 11 smelly hedgehogs.

And you will fall in love with one of those 9 smelly babies. And, if you manage to get rid of the other 8 hedgehogs through Craigslist or, after all else fails, the local exotic animal amnesty day through your local fish and wildlife commission, where they boast of a 100% adoption rate with pre-screened adopters, you will still have 3 smelly hedgehogs and 2 children who have all but abandoned their promise to clean out those smelly cages three times a week.

It is now almost midnight and I should be writing. Instead, I dealt with a near endless reboot loop on my laptop thanks to the massive Windows clusterfuck of a Service Pack update and then I cleaned 3 hedgehog cages.

So, in short, don’t get hedgehogs and don’t update your laptop. Both seem like the right thing to do on the surface, but both really stink.

Piper Doone is the author of the highly rated gay erotic romance, Playing Hard To Forget, available from Amazon and Dreamspinner Press and your favorite ebook retailer in paperback and ebook, and the upcoming Something To Die For, releasing March 2015.

She still loves those stupid hedgehogs even though they smell. She always buys them those gross baby meat sticks and hand feeds them when no one’s looking. She has, however, put Fort Knox-like security on both ladies because she isn’t about any more hedgehog babies.

On The Subject of Being Called A Bitch

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To any person out there who fancies dating someone of the male persuasion. I implore you to take a gander at this example of what happens when men stop maturing in 7th grade. You get a Twitter feed like this one below. Yes, a girl rejected a boy at a middle school in South Florida and another little boy, who will no doubt regret this the first time he’s old enough to try to get laid and remembers that all Tweets are forever archived on the internet for all potential dates to search, decided to blame the girl and call her a bitch.

Yes, he called HER, the girl who got stabbed, a BITCH. Excuse the fuck out of you. You’ve never actually been around a girl, have you? Like, are they mystical, unknowable things to you because no girl in their right mind would let you near them? I hope, because you, little boy, are a psycho. How dare you call a victim of a violent crime a bitch?

Yes, middle schoolers will be middle schoolers and all, but are boys still being raised to call women bitches? Hasn’t it gotten old to constantly try to put girls down and then wonder why they rejected you as you sit alone in your room playing PS4 on a Saturday night when guys who know how to treat people like human beings have people lined up to date him? When I called him out on it, he proceeded to do this:

First off, my profile pic is the cover of my book, so, like that doesn’t even make sense.
And yes, he pulled the juvenile shit and said it should have been me who got stabbed. That I deserved it. Because I got pissed he called her a bitch. I deserve to die.

Now, I don’t know if you know this, but I have a pretty high opinion of myself. I’m also a god damned adult and not affected by some 13 year old who thinks I should die. But the very idea that there are kids out there being raised so poorly that they truly believe violence is the answer for whatever is pissing them off is so telling of how the girl got stabbed in the first place.

I feel sorry for every pre-teen and teenaged girl who has to put up with boys like this.

Girls, you don’t ever have to justify rejecting a guy. You don’t ever have to agree to anything a guy wants because you’re afraid of what he might do. You don’t owe jerk ass boys a thing. And if a little boy calls you a bitch? Well, show him what a true bitch really is.

Piper Doone is the author of the highly rated gay erotic romance, Playing Hard To Forget, available from Amazon and Dreamspinner Press and your favorite ebook retailer in paperback and ebook, and the upcoming Something To Die For, releasing March 2015.

On The Subject Of Men Who Can’t Handle Rejection

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My heart goes out tonight to the 14 year old girl who was stabbed by a fucking shithead 14 year old boy who couldn’t handle that she didn’t like him.

From all accounts, this boy was obsessed with her and premeditated the attack–one that happened ON SCHOOL GROUNDS this morning.

I have so many issues with this I can’t even begin to address them all here, but let’s try.

To the boy’s parents: congratulations. You did a fantastic job of raising an idiot child who will go nowhere in life. You’ve taught him that violence against women is ok and that if you can’t have what you want, no one can have it. You’ve raised a senseless killer. I hope to god that you suffer for your crime.

To the kid: Congratulations. You’ve ruined your life over a girl. A girl who didn’t like you before and now wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire. I hope you’re happy. I know how boys like you grow up and it isn’t pretty. Have fun in jail.

To the girl’s mom: Congratulations. She told you she was being stalked. You saw her social media pages where he was threatening and scary and you didn’t call the cops. You told her to go to school today and handle things herself with the school. I’ll bet you won’t blow her off like that again.

To the girl: I’m sorry you had to go through this. People can be shit and him reacting this way is his own damned fault and not yours. You hold no blame in this whatsoever. You have the right to say no to someone you don’t like. You did the all right things and I am sorry that everyone around you let you down. You didn’t deserve this. You’re going to go on and have an amazing life and the loser who did this to you is going to have to live the rest of his shit life dealing with being a complete fuckface.

You’re going to come out of this on top and I want you to never ever feel like any of this was your fault.

Every child has the right to feel safe at school. Every parent who pays taxes for schools is entitled to a safe place for their children. Every school board who skimps on safety in the schools in favor of giving themselves raises should be tried as accessories to every crime committed on school property. How can a kid in 2015 bring a weapon onto school property? Haven’t we had enough yet?

And every person has the fundamental right to say NO and feel safe doing it. And if you violate that right, you deserve every punishment society doles out to you.

Piper Doone isn’t even going to bother pimping her books tonight, because this is so much bigger than books.